Who Wants Pizza (workshop essay)

pizza-goat.jpg, google.com

I spend most nights without good sleep. After I have gone to bed, it’ll be at least an hour before I actually fall asleep. Too many thoughts float through my head for me to get any rest. Occasionally, one of those thoughts will be of pizza. Pizza? Who wants pizza? This question has plagued me since the first of my sleepless nights. I decided to work through my sleep issues by doing research on the subject: who, truly, wants pizza?

Directly asking people, I decided, was the best way to get the results I wanted. My potential sample size was the entire Brockport campus, so I basically asked away at anyone I could get to stop for five seconds. (Which, as it turns out, is everyone, because it’d be rude not to stop and answer somebody’s questions.) I did the majority of my research on the main walk, with some in the library and Union. The question was the same every time: “Excuse me. Do you want pizza?” For each different group of people, I mostly stuck to only one rule of asking three girls and three guys, because then I could see how much more girls disfavored me, and my resulting depression would be good for the two tubs of ice cream I had that were starting to get freezer burn. No attention was paid to the races, heights, or prettiness of the questionees, although I must admit that most of the people I asked were pretty, probably because Brockport is known internationally as The Fabulous Campus. Between the neutral question and half-half sex rule, I got the stability I needed, because everything else, from my stance to the specific people I asked, would be variable.

First I asked people in my most neutral tone, with no attention paid to any other variables. These are the results by sex, quotes included.

	Yes	No
Male	1. Pizza? Sure.	1. Nah, not really, I just ate. 2. Oh no, I’m good thanks. You have pizza lying around?
Female		1. No thank you. 2. No… thanks. 3. No, but thanks for offering.*

*This one was REALLY SUPER CUTE. Real professional-like. Black dress shirt, black slacks, yellow tie, the whole shebang, and it went great with her redwood complexion, sculpted jaw, and spiked, jet-black hair. I couldn’t tell whether she was a man or a woman for a second, and that just made me giddier. She was the first one to smile, too! And what a laugh she had. If any Brockport readers notice someone who matches that description, report to me immediately so I can be stalk her and/or kidnap her.

After buying a third tub of ice cream to further drown my sorrows, I lamented more thoughtfully on the results. Why did nobody want pizza? Was it me? Was it the way I carried myself? The experiment had barely started and I was already doubting myself. But I carried on, determined to prove my worth of offering pizza.

I decided next to try a more confident approach. My brows furrowed slightly, my eyes peering into the depths of every soul, my mouth cocked up on one side, and my voice two tones deeper. It was the ultimate in attraction.

	Yes	No
Male	1. Sure. What’s up?	1. No. 2. Nah.
Female	1. Sure. I love pizza. You have a good night.	1. No. 2. No, thank you, sorry.

Still depressingly stacked on the “no” side, but getting better. I was starting to understand why people were rejecting my offer at first. All it took was a little confidence; it wasn’t me that put them off after all.

My approach thus far involved finding people on the main walk very late at night – past 10:00 – who were alone, and not in sight nor earshot of anyone else. I walked up to them directly, asking them if they wanted pizza, then walking away immediately afterwards. I decided to keep this approach for the time being, and change up my mannerisms once again. I hid my right arm under the left side of my jacked, as if concealing something, and grabbed onto that side of my jacked tightly with my left hand, as if ready to unveil it to the world at a moment’s notice. My voice changed to a lower, more snake-like texture, and my words sped up and stuck together, giving the impression of a desperate homeless man, while I, once again, approached lone strangers in the dead of night, offering pizza.

	Yes	No
Male		1. I’m good right now, thanks man. 2. What? Whatchu talkin’ ‘bout? You want pizza? 3. Oh no, thank you. That’s all right, I had a big dinner. Thanks for offering. Thank you. Thank you. That’s so sweet. That’s like… (etc.)
Female		1. No… 2. Uh, no. 3. No thank you.

Clearly the approach matters. I decided to stick with a neutral position, as it was between the two, and would protect the other variables from influence.

For the experiment’s sake, I decided to do a round of daylight offerings, with people around.

	Yes	No	Other
Male	1. What kind of question is that? Absolutely.	1. Nah. 2. No thank you.
Female		1. No. 2. No.	1. Shit.

Results were largely the same. I determined that time of day and amount of surrounding people was not a factor. With that out of the way, I moved on to other, more niche factors.

Glasses-wearers seemed like a nice bunch. Surely they would accept this kind offer.

	Yes	No
Male	1. Sure. Sure.	1. Right now? I’m all good for right now.
Female	1. Yes. 2. Yeahhh.	2. N-no.*

*She stuttered! A girl with glasses stuttering. Adorable.

Success! People with glasses truly must appreciate pizza more. (That said, this one was slightly more difficult than others, as it was halfway impossible to find men with glasses.) Even the girls, who had so adamantly refused in the past, were more receptive when they were of the glasses variety. I believe I will hit on girls with glasses exclusively from now on.

But wait! Could there be even more accepting demographics? I aimed to find out, and continued my experiment by asking this dude I held the door open for.

	Yes	No
Male		1. No thank you. I don’t like pizza that much.

Snippy. He didn’t have to lie to me.

After this failure, I went for a more traditional route: asking people in pairs. (I didn’t go any higher than that because my brain would malfunction from the amount of combinations I’d have to separate.)

	Yes	No
Male/Male	1. Yes. / I am pro-pizza. Do I have to pay for this pizza? 2. Of course. / Yes.
Female/Female	1. Yes. / Yeah. 2. Yes. / Sure.
Male/Female		1. No thanks. / I’m on a diet.

Very positive reception – mostly. Two guys together can’t resist pizza. Two girls together can’t resist pizza. But a guy and a girl together? No, of course not! Guy, you have to show off right? Gotta be the man? “No other guy is gonna offer my girl pizza.” HA. And girl, you’re on a diet? Don’t make me laugh. You just don’t want to look like the glutton you are in front of your tall, handsome, athletic, tall, well-spoken, tall, tall boyfriend. Couples, ha ha, so arrogant.*

*It has been scientifically proven that every time a guy and a girl walk together, they are a couple.*

*This does not apply to two men or two women walking together, as homosexuals, scientifically, do not exist.*

*I am so bitter and sad, please hold me.

Next I asked a guy in a bathroom stall.

	Yes	No
Male		1. I’m good thanks.

One more demographic down.

My next target was members of authority. Included in this are the names of these celebrities.

	Yes	No
Male	1. Sure. – Tyler Brown, BSG Treasurer. 2. Sure. – Lou Spiro, Vice President, the College at Brockport
Female	1. I’d eat it. – Andrea Vella, Assistant to the Vice President	1. Right now? No. – Holly Perry, Department of Recreation

As expected, most were receptive. You have to keep an open mind and be amicable to be an authority figure in this day and age. If it were fifty years ago, I would not get such a positive response, as they had to be cold to keep their reputations, and also it was 1961 and they probably did not have pizza back then.

So many variables, so little time! I was walking around the library basement in the afternoon and noticed people alone in whole computer labs. Hence, my next target was people alone in whole computer labs.

	Yes	No
Male	1. Yeah.
Female	1. Sure.	1. Um… not right now.

Unsurprising. People alone in computer labs tend to be desperate for pizza.

I happened to see an Asian girl in the library. After asking her, I decided to find two more Asian girls.

	Yes	No
Female	1. Sure. 2. Huh? Pizza? Sure. 3. I don’t think it’s Halloween… Yes, I want pizza.

Even higher success rate than girls with glasses. I shall go after Asian glasses girls.

I asked the cashier at Trax.

	Yes	No
Female		1. No thank you, I don’t want pizza.

This inspired me to seek out people who were eating or had already eaten. Included is what they ate.

	Yes	No
Male	1. Yeah, sure. – sandwich and chips	1. No. – tomato salad, wild caught salmon, banana 2. Nah, I actually clean the Union Grille. – UG shit probably
Female		1. No thank you. – vegetable sandwich 2. No. – chicken breast spinach wrap 3. I just ate. – potatoes, french fries, chicken

At one point I saw a guy holding a slice of pizza.

	Yes	No
Male		1. No I have pizza.

After so many variables, after so many offerings of pizza to strangers, I could come to no strong conclusions about who, truly, wants pizza, except maybe Asian girls because they seemed especially excited. But maybe my success rate would have been higher had I asked people I knew. Maybe it’s weird to ask a stranger if he or she wants pizza. Maybe this whole thing was really creepy.

The sacrifices we make in the name of science.