Jet Set Radio Beard; or, How to Survive a Fashion Apocalypse, feat. Beards (Workshop Essay)

In 2022, Tremendous Beards will be in fashion. ZZ Top, after being the first people on Earth to be revived from the dead, will revive their band as Zombie Zombie Top and go on a world tour. As the first zombie band in history, it will be a smash hit. Nobody will go for the music, “because, like, zombies, yeah?” The initial audience will comprise of Hot Topic kids (known in 2022 as “Ht Tpc””kds”), occultists (“ocltsts”), and necrophiles (“Ptrck Cssd”). But soon, the whole world will swoon over Zombie Zombie Top (shortened in 2022 to “ZZ Top”) and their undead tunes. Sadly, all fads come to an end, and in 2024, after reanimation is considered passé and “something my grandma did, like,” ZZ Top will fade from the public eye. Again.

One legacy, however, will last until the Earth makes its final whimpers – their incredible beards. Even though they will have been dead for three years at the time of their revival, Billy Gibbins and Dusty Hill – their flesh and innards having rotted away – will retain their beards in the grave. Even Frank Beard, the only member of ZZ Top without a beard, will come out of his casket sporting a wicked faceraccoon. This will awe the public even more than their revival itself does. “How can that happen?” they will ask. “Are beards somehow immune to death?” “Does the brain live on in the beard posthumously?” “Can I offer the devil my beard in lieu of my soul so I can play guitar like Robert Johnson?” Questions no one had to ask before.

So to prepare for the future, you must start growing your beard now. By 2022, you might be on par with ZZ Top, and have your beard, along with cockroaches, be the only thing to survive a nuclear explosion (very important in the future, depending on where you live*). And to grow a beard you need a fabulous teacher. A beard professional. You have come to the right place, friend, for I am Beard M.D., MagNeat-O, Dude.

Begin with the crotch. It sounds counterproductive, but stay with me here. In Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla (1993), Mechagodzilla kills Godzilla with the G-Crusher, a giant metal clamp that trapped Godzilla and crushed his second brain, which he was hiding in the small of his back. Now, humans do not have a second brain in the smalls of their backs. As theorized earlier, the “second brain,” or rather, a medium through which the human body may channel the first brain, is the Tremendous Beard. You probably do not have a Tremendous Beard; that is why you are here. So in order to cultivate one, you first must practice using the closest thing your body has to a mass of hair on the small of your back. That’s right – your crotch. Just let its hair grow until nerves form in each strand. You will know it is ready when you zip up and your hair hurts more than your privates. (Women, unfortunately, will have to punch themselves in the crotch to check its readiness.)

After you have a properly mangled pubic exhibit, it is time for step two: transferal. It is exactly as it sounds: you will transfer your nerve-pubes to your face, likely via scissors and glue. I will not lie – the process is more painful than Death taking the form of a grizzly bear and giving you a colonoscopy, sans anesthetic. No, really, it’s quite a burn. Imagine taking thousands of fire ants, clumping them into a ball and attaching them to your crotch. Following the fire ants, imagine you make a deal with God to understand what it feels like to be conscious during a state of unconsciousness, or non-existence. To experience the state of not existing. And upon waking from that mind-rending experience, you realize that you have signed yourself to a state of eternal servitude as a scratching post for hell cats. Anyway. You have to do that.

Don’t worry, you’re almost home free. Your nerve-pubes should be glued to your face to a point that they could not be pulled off by two Hulk Hogans. Keep water and any other liquid away from your face at all costs. Do not shower, do not go outside, do not drink anything. Remain this way for three months. If you feel you are not up to the task of surviving without liquids, you may inject water into yourself using any number of homemade contraptions, such as a wooden, splintery syringe, or an ax/tape combo. However, if you do this, I ask that you brand yourself on your chest “I DO NOT DESERVE THIS BEARD,” thus cursing yourself to a life of never going to beaches and never facing your lover in bed/only doing it doggy style or reverse cowgirl.

Once a period of a quarter-year has passed, your pubes will have merged snugly with the flesh of your face. Thus is born a Tremendous Beard. I hope all of you will take this procedure with pride, as the Tremendous Beard fad will last relatively long – approximately 5 years. And to be trendy, in the year 2022, is everything.†

*spoilers it’s Switzerland

†especially Switzerland because there will be nothing else